Posted by: Jack Hope | Friday May 25, 2012

No Exit

Dear Terry,

I feel so incredibly angry these days.  All the time, it’s constantly there.  It’s starting to scare me but I can’t seem to stop feeling angry.

I feel frustrated.  I feel powerless.

That’s what it really comes down to though.  I have no power over my life right now.

I was just told that the wait for treatment here in Alberta will be anywhere from 4 months to 9 months.  That means I could have to wait until next year just to see a psychiatrist again.

I was seeing a psychiatrist regularly back home in Vancouver.  I move here to get family and friend support and suddenly I can’t see anyone.  This was supposed to help me and now it’s become a prison, trapping me in my own illness.

This city suddenly feels so alien, so hostile, so unfriendly.

I feel ashamed to be from Alberta, if this is how people with mental illness are treated.  I feel outraged and angry and I don’t know what to do.

I’m know a lot of people who experience major illnesses feel that they lose their power over their lives.  The feeling that you can’t control what’s happening to your body and to your mind.  The inability to change the things that you are experiencing.  It’s perfectly natural to turn to friends and family for support and help during difficult times like this.

In my case, moving back home has drastically reduced the power I have over my own life.  The support that should have made this easier has now become a crushing burden.

I had been mildly entertaining thoughts of some of the things that I would do while I stayed and got my recovery really going.  I was looking forward to spending the time with my friends and family, even entertained some notions of staying a bit longer and pursuing some other opportunities.  Despite the drawbacks, I felt a sense of optimism that I hadn’t had in a long time.

That’s gone now.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to turn.  Help, seems further away than ever before.  I want to rage at the unfairness of it all.  I want to punch holes in the wall, I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to kick the furniture.

Anything to hold back the darkness that’s creeping up on me, that’s closing in around me.

Anger is better than hopelessness.  Rage is preferable to quiet acquiescence.  Screaming in the dark is better than lying down to die.

I’m going to try to figure something out.  I have an appointment to see a regular family Doctor and I’m going to contact my Doctors back in Vancouver.  If necessary, I’ll drag myself back out there.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me next.  I’m scared.  Scared for what will happen to me if I can’t continue to pursue treatment.

I started this blog to chart my recovery from depression, to chart the start of me making a new life for myself.  Now, it may become the story of how I lost the war against depression, how those dark demons finally defeated me.

I just have to find a way to hold on.

Jack

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Responses

  1. Jack, if you want the number to my psychologist in Calgary please email me at nnedin82@gmail.com .

    • Thank you, I will do that.


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