Posted by: Jack Hope | Wednesday January 23, 2013

Sun Run Training: Tripped Up

Well since I last wrote regarding my running I’ve hit a big snag, in the form of a sudden mood drop off, one of the persistent lingering symptoms I’ve been experiencing from my Clinical Depression.

It’s hard to express the sensation of rage, the powerlessness, the frustration, the anger and the shame that all come with this sudden drop off.

I’ve been fighting back, trying to push through my bad days with my common technique of using lists of tasks and giving myself goals to keep my mind focused. I try to focus on the domestic chores when I do that.

And yet when I get on the treadmill, I can’t seem to make myself go more than 5 minutes. No matter how hard I push.

I know this won’t last. I know I’ll feel better soon.

I know that a few bad days aren’t the end of the world, if I keep myself going forward, even if it’s just in small increments. I know this to shall pass.

But right now, right this second, right in the middle of this it feels like a huge catastrophe, a total disaster that’s entirely of my own making (naturally) and a sure sign that I’m doomed at whatever I attempt.

Dramatic isn’t it? And completely untrue. But that doesn’t change how I feel either.

And underneath all this fuss, there is a real fear: what if I get hit by one of these drop-offs in the lead up to the race? That either wrecks my preparation right before or worse leaves me unable to actually participate.

This will be better in another day or two I hope and I’ll be able to continue my training. I can’t not keep trying, I can’t completely give up on myself.

But I’m also having a hard time shaking the feeling that it may end up being all for nothing too.

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Responses

  1. Stop beating yourself up. You set this goal upon yourself, you can choose to do it or not. Personally I feel that with the medication trip up you just went through, you need time to recover and shouldn’t be putting additional stress on yourself. If you do the run this year great, if not, there’s always next year. Stick with the exercise because its good for your health, but don’t set a goal that may be unattainable due to your illness. You will get through it. I have faith in you ❤

    • Oh and if you haven’t read it, read my post from the other day called The Spoon Theory. It may help you see things a little differently and be easier on yourself.

    • Thanks for the support, as always I know I can count on you to be in my corner.

      I actually had that post and others in my reading list but I’m terminally behind on that as usual. But wow, that really does sum up the difficulties and problems of a chronic ailment.

      Part of my problem I think comes from the fact that when I’m good, I’m really, really good. I feel so much stronger and more capable than I’ve ever felt and as a result I’m able to do more, try to attain more than I’ve been able to in the past. I’m suddenly handed a whole lot of extra spoons that I didn’t have before.

      And then a few of them are yanked back.

      On balance, I’m almost certainly coming out far ahead of where I was before, but that doesn’t seem to make dealing with these short term reversals of fortune any easier.


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